Ruts, reflection and rosé

winery
Thanks to my good friends Stacey and Ed, I have rekindled my love affair with wine. Funny, I can’t remember why it ever ended in the first place.

Hello dear friends, I am back. After two months in a hard cast, four months not being able to put weight on my right foot, and several weeks away from having my bone be completely healed, I am back. During the past few months, I was, at times, reminded weekly from various supervisors that I was inconveniencing my colleagues with my broken foot. And weeks after returning to work I found out that enough smack was being talked about me at work by some of my colleagues that my cousin, who works one department over, felt the need to tell me at a family gathering. Good times.

It didn’t matter that I came off disability sooner than recommended. I would love to think I was wanted back because I am considered irreplaceable. I would love to think that people missed me. Turns out, it is because my job is so crappy that no one else wants to do it. In fact when I was given the job I now hold, I cried.

A lot has been written about aha moments and I have had several over the past few months. The one that concerns today’s entry is that none of this, none of the silly drama that occurs in our lives, should really matter. But for some reason, today, it kind of did. Today I was reminded that what I work on is important but my actual input on it is not. Today I was reminded that I am no longer part of a group that I thought I was a part of.  Today was one of those days where I just wanted to get up from my desk, walk out the door and quit. Sometimes what shouldn’t matter at all matters most.

Now stay with me, I have a point.

I reminded myself that everyone has these moments. I often refer to them as “first world” moments. Have a roof over my head? Yes. Have food on my table? Yes. Have access to adequate health care? Yes. Have a case of the sads? Suck it up.

But the thing is, every one of us has moments where we feel like we are a 12-year-old outcast. Every one of us has moments at one time or another where we wallow in self-pity.  And, honestly, having these thoughts and feelings is okay. In fact, it is human. What is not okay is to not learn from them. What is not okay is dwell on them to the point that a rut, emotional or intellectual, is created. Ruts are hard to get out of, figuratively and literally, and, once you are in an emotional rut, it is a bitch to get out. Same goes for run-on sentences. What is not okay is not to take these thoughts and feelings as the learning opportunity they are.

So, on my drive home tonight, I collected my thoughts. What have I been doing to improve my situation? Have I been blogging? No. Have I been expanding my thoughts away from my situation at work? No. Have I been actively job hunting, looking for a place in a company where I feel valued for my work and not for my ability to do what no one else wants to? No.  Have I been on top of my finances, budgeting my way to not needing this job? No. I could go on and on, but I won’t. The rut is deep enough.

So here is me taking my first step towards climbing out of my rut. Here is me blogging again. Here is me reminding myself that there is a whole lot more in my life than a job. Here is me reminding myself that I am a valued friend and colleague to some, just not all. Here is me acknowledging my thoughts and taking action on them. Here is me hopefully getting out of this rut. Here is me writing here is me, grammar check be damned. Oh, and to celebrate finally writing a blog post, here is me pouring a really, really big glass of wine.

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